Thursday, January 5, 2012

Two Posts in One Day....and neither one about food. Sorry.

Hopefully I'll contribute something useful to this site one day, but until that day my Oops! compatriots will have to forgive me as I use this blog to write absurd posts, like this:

While writing my last post, my first sentences addressed the Twilight series. Now, I haven’t read all the books, but I did have the (un)fortunate experience of being in the middle of nowhere (read: Idaho forest), and being fresh out of books. The only new book around was an associate’s copy of Twilight. Later that year, my teen sister had all the other ones, so I did what any sensible person would do: I skipped straight to the fourth book and skimmed through it. So I do know the beginning and end to this story, and if I had to guess, I probably didn’t miss much in the “middle”.

However, since we at Oops! find kicks as dedicated researchers of the vampire-teen phenomenon, I have been exposed to the movies. Our dedication went so far, we decided to PAY to gawk in horror for two hours at Breaking Dawn: Part I, where a half-vampire baby rips itself out of a womb and necrophilia officially became the way to a richer, superpower-filled life (beatings by husband are a bonus!).

As I pondered about this series and how I could break into the teen fantasy market, I slowly came to the realization that my academic career and the Twilight series are more intertwined than I initially believed. The first year of law school, admittedly almost as gross as the Breaking Dawn movie, would actually make excellent preparation for life as a vampire. Not only have I been trained to read complex, dull documents, but I have acquired the skills needed to survive in a vampire society. Do I sound crazy? Just read through this first year subject list and tell me what YOU think….

(1.) Civil Procedure: This is the subject that will make or break you as a trial lawyer. And you’re going to need a lot of skills when you stand trial against the Volturi, those conniving rulers and judges of vampire action. I can guarantee you’ll wow the court when you move for a 12(b)(6) motion to dismiss for lack of personal jurisdiction!

(2.) Contracts: We may not all be the lucky recipients of extravagant gifts from our vampire boyfriends, but a good contract will protect you through tough times. Any law student knows that CONSIDERATION is required to create a binding contract, so here’s an excellent application of this:
“I hereby give up my soul in CONSIDERATION for an eternity of sparkling wedding bliss.”

Without this consideration, the contract isn’t even a contract, it’s just a promise! Your vampire bf-turned-hubby could very well get tired of you and, after a few centuries, try to rip off your head and burn you up in an attempt to get rid of you. With this contract, you GUARANTEE he’ll at least think twice before doing so.

(3.) Criminal Law: You may be dealing with the undead, but don’t let that stop you from pursuing charges! American vampires are still subject to American laws, and attempted murder, actual murder, necrophilia, and assault are all somewhere in the model criminal code. These glitterific criminals will certainly sparkle less when their conniving minds are in prison. Maximum-security, vampire-proof prison…

(4.) Constitutional Law: Read: A right to have a vampire as your love partner. Also a right to have your half-vampire baby. I would mention “commerce clause”, but that’s about boring stuff that lets Congress do whatever it wants, like try to regulate marijuana.

(5.) Torts: Just got into a sticky situation because you can’t do anything without being watched over by a supernatural boy? Sue said supernatural boy for negligence and watch the cash cascade in!

(6.) Property: Needed to determine whose territory is whose when land disputes arise between the natives (werewolves, but not really?) and your vampire family. Make sure to file your land certificates!

(7.) Legal research and writing: Useless. You need to be a vampire, not some brief-writing sissy!

That's all for now folks. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

1 comment:

  1. i'm suing supernatural boy for negligence!