WANT MY CAMERA.

I would like to say that I am typing up a recipe, but I'm not doing that because I don't have a camera and haven't had one for some time now. I loaned it out. It has pictures of food on it currently.

Food blogs without pictures are DUMB. I will not apologize for that statement.

I feel like I am getting to this point myself right now:

Can't not bake.

When I'm stressed, anxious, happy, sad, angry or depressed, I bake. I'm feeling many of these things all the time, so I often try to resist the urge. I resisted until noon today. Then I made delicious muffins. Now I'm making dough for pizza crust. I'm not an emotional eater. I am an emotional baker.

I tried. I tried so, so hard.

Lemon Date Jam Muffins

I'm bleeding.

INGREEDZ:
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tbsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup apple sauce (unsweetened)
1 cup full-fat coconut milk
1 tbsp lemon juice
1 cup vegan cane sugar
1 tbsp ground flax
2 tbsp water
Jam of choice

DO THIS:
Preheat oven to 350. In a small dish, combine 1 tbsp ground flax with 2 tbsp water and allow to congeal. In a smallish bowl, mix the flour, baking powder and salt. In a larger bowl, mix the apple sauce, coconut milk and sugar. Add in the lemon juice and flax mixture. Pour and mix in the dry ingredients a little at a time, until thoroughly combined. Distribute evenly into a greased cupcake pan (makes 12). Push a teaspoon of your favorite jam into the middle of each muffin (I used Date Jam, from American Spoon). Bake for about 30 minutes. Allow to cool in the muffin tin for 10 minutes before transferring to a rack.

Snack attack.

I have many dishes to do. Shit.

I'm fucking out of control today. Out of my thrice-damned mind. Baking. Baking. Baking.

Tomorrow is the LOTR Extended Edition "Marathon" part 2. Part one was interrupted by a power outage, hence why the marathon is no longer a marathon, but a two part series. A half marathon. Do I get a t-shirt and a half-sized medal ("Hey, you did it! But only half of what everyone else did. The size of your medal shall serve as a reminder, you milksop").  Such all-day adventures require all-day snacks. Last time it was cookies. This time it will be more cookies. And some healthy banana bread. But back to the cookies because they aren't healthy and are therefore superior.

Eat me.

INGREEDZ:
1 cup Earth Balance (Tub kind)
1 1/4 cup vegan cane sugar
2 tbsp ground flax mixed with 6 tbsp water
1/2 cup cocoa powder
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
Small pinch of salt
2 tsp baking powder
A lot of chocolate chips
Coarse sea salt

DO THIS:
Preheat oven to 350.

Combine EB with sugar, and whip together with an electric mixer. I'm not saying to just "mix." I mean beat the shit out of it. I'm telling you, as a person that usually mixes everything by hand, to use an electric mixer. I let it run for quite a few minutes, until things were looking as white and fluffy as cartoon clouds. This is capital. Meanwhile, put together that flax/water combo and let it congeal. By the time your EB/sugar whitecap has formed, it'll be ready to go. Throw in the flax mixture and let it stir in. It's simple from here. Mix in the cocoa powder. Mix in the flour. Then the salt. Then the baking powder. Then the chips. Yes, I did all of these separately and not in one dry ingredient dump. On cookie sheets protected by silicon baking sheets or cooking spray, spoon out heaping tablespoons of the dough. I mean heaping. When you look upon these delightful mountains of goop, I want you to feel your already ample ass broadening three inches in diameter. Finally, sprinkle the cookies with coarse sea salt. Bake for about 18 minutes. Cool. Eat. Read Alpine Urbanist.

My dog ate the foot off a tiger.

I made some god damn pancakes.

These didn't turn out quite as awesome as the first time I made them. The batter was very thick the first time, and the swirls were impeccable. Highly visible. They were also so rich I had a belly ache for a full 24 hours. In a good way. This time around, you can't really see the swirls, and I feel full but not gloriously ill with happiness. Nonetheless, these tasted good. I will post the recipe, but look for improvements in the future when I try to replicate the first batch.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Swirl Pancakes and visa versa

INGREEDZ:

PB batter-

3 tbsp creamy peanut butter (I used Jiff Naturals)

2 tbsp maple syrup

1 tbsp oil

1 tsp vanilla

3/4 cup flour

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

3/4 cup milk alternative

Chocolate batter-

3/4 cup flour

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

2 tbsp cocoa powder

3/4 cup milk alternative

1 tsp vanilla

2 tbsp maple syrup

2 tbsp oil

DO THIS:

In a very small bowl, mix the peanut butter, maple syrup, oil, and vanilla. In two separate medium bowls, mix the dry ingredients for the two separate batters. To the sans cocoa dry ingredients, add the milk alternative and the PB mixture. Stir until just combined, with clumps still visible. In the cocoa bowl, add the milk alternative, vanilla, maple syrup and oil. Mix until just combined, and clumps are visible. In a cast iron skillet, melt down some Earth Balance. Drop 1/4 cup of one of the batters. Take a spoon and create a spiral with the other batter. Alternate so that you have chocolate pancakes with peanut butter swirls and peanut butter pancakes with chocolate swirls.

Pancakes.

Also, observe the latest blog cooperative I started: alpineurbanist.blogspot.com.

Buttcheek fiesta

!?!?!?

Is this some vain attempt to give the blog life again?

WHO THE FUCK KNOWS! I'm not making any promises. All I know is that I made cookies, they are the bee's knees and the world needs to know about them.

Fact: The Oxford Comma has been annihilated. I am upset about it, but am acting accordingly.

Fact: I have been meaning to blog. I enjoy writing, and my outlets are few and far between.

Fact: You can no longer find newer work by me on Alpinist, but you can continue to find it on verticalgirl.com. Also, anyone who is a climber (female), would like to try a hand writing about it and isn't afraid of exposing their work to the world should throw something together and send it to jenny@verticalgirl.com. It may just make it on the website!

Fact: Although this blog hasn't seen new material since April, it's not because I haven't been eating.

Observe.

Cherry swirl pancakes with crumble topping

Cashew Tofu from VeganDad

Last night was the first day this week I've cooked. I've been in the lovely Leelanau, eating out every night. Dinner was stuffed bell peppers with a baguette on the side, courtesy of Bay Bread Co. I desperately wanted cookies afterwards, but watched a movie instead.

Beau's plate, arranged as a smiley face.

So, I made cookies early this morning. Why not? Honey badger don't give a shit.

Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies (Better with dried cherries)

Ingreedz:

2 cups + 2 tbsp all purpose flour

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 baking soda

2 tsp baking powder

1 1/2 tbsp ground flax, mixed with 4 tbsp water

3/4 cup (tub) Earth Balance

1 cup light brown sugar

2 tsp vanilla

1 1/2 cups chocolate chips (or a mix of chocolate chips and dried cherries)

Do THIS:

Pre-heat oven to 325. Melt the Earth Balance in the microwave (note, I used tub EB, not stick). Meanwhile, mix the flax and water and allow to congeal. In a small bowl, mix the flour, salt, baking soda and baking powder. Afterwards, in a larger bowl, mix the melted EB, brown sugar, vanilla and flax mixture. Once well-combined, add the flour mixture in spurts. Once everything is well mixed, stir in the chocolate chips (and/or cherries). Drop dough balls about a quarter cup in size onto parchment covered cookie sheets (unless you're a real badass and have silicon baking sheets like me). Bake for 18-20 minutes, or until brown.

Consume as many as possible while they are warm, preferably with a tall, bourgeois glass of your favorite milk alternative.

WHY AM I NOT STILL HERE?

Good Idea Monday: Southern Comfort.

I GOT TO BUY GROCERIES.

My EBT card re-upped. It's been weeks since I last went grocery shoppin'. Hence the no cooking thing.

I started this post a week ago. I had two AMAZING recipes to share. In the time it took me to finish this post, I forgot how I made them. I'm angry, because now I can't duplicate them. We all suffer for my foolishness. I mean, LOOK AT THIS SHIT. Unforgivable.

As usual around these parts, updates to the blog after a hiatus come following a trip to Northern Michigan. I arrived home yesterday from a whirlwind vacation to Marquette and Traverse City. Marquette was for "business," and TC was for fun. I was supposed to interview climbing legend Fred Beckey for Alpinist following a presentation he gave at Northern Michigan University. That didn't really happen due to several reasons, none of which matter now. It was cold and windy. However, the two hours that it was sunny and moderately warm coincided perfectly with our finally finding the slab wall we were anxious to get trad with. We had chosen the location because it was easy for a bum shoulder, and because it was CLOSE. But then it took us hours to find it. Irony.

This was my first time climbing in the UP. I hope it won't be my only chance.

Traverse City was windy on one day (knocking out power at our hotel), and rainy the next. This didn't stop me from indulging in yet another hat, nor did it ruin a beautiful hike on the extensive trail network behind the Traverse City Commons. Brilliant! Wine was enjoyed at Left Foot Charlie, and beer at Right Brain Brewery. Meals were cooked and eaten in parking lots and on sidewalks. Pseudo-hoboism.

I'd like to say that some cooking will be happening in the near future here, but I'm leaving for Seattle on a reconnaissance mission this Thursday. No cooking is likely. I'm sure I'll have plenty of exciting things to report. Maybe I'll find some tasty vegan eats out there to talk about. Today isn't even my turn for Good Idea Monday at work.

Sorry for the hiatus!

When things get tough around the Oops, It's Vegan! office, we have a saying:

BAMFI.



You know you're in a rut when your breakfast is thai food carry-out over cooked oats. It's actually really good.

We will return to our regularly scheduled programming soon. PROMISE

Ender's Dreams.

Last night I had a dream I went to Battle School with my siblings. It was a pretty awesome dream. I smote another kid, just like Ender when he was being bullied. Then everyone respected me. I don't remember, but I likely became a battalion leader. I wish I had Ender's Game dreams more often.

Interpretation, anyone?

Today I had some bananas that really needed to be used. I wanted banana bread, but not plain banana bread. For me, the idea of a peanut butter quickbread is always great in theory, but not as inspiring in reality. They have such a strange density. I worked around this, though, and the results were perfect.

Banana Bread with Peanut Butter Surprise!

INGREEDZ:

2 medium bananas, mashed

1 tbsp ground flax

3 tbsp water

1 tbsp vanilla

1/2 cup oil

1/2 cup soy milk

1/2 cup vegan sugar

1 1/2 cups flour

3/4 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

3/4 tsp cinnamon

For the surprise:

1/4 cup peanut butter

1 tbsp coconut flour

3 tbsp soy milk

DO THIS:

Pre-heat the oven to 350. In a small vessel, mix the ground flax with the water, and let it sit for a minute or two. Meanwhile, mash your bananas in a large bowl. Add the flax mixture, oil, milk, vanilla and sugar. In a smaller bowl, mix the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cinnamon. Add to the wet ingredients, and mix well.

In a small bowl, mix the ingredients for the surprise. In a greased bread pan, pour in half of the bread mixture. Drop in glops of the surprise, and swirl them around a bit with a fork. Or your finger. I don't care. Pour the remaining batter over the top, covering all of the surprise. You want to make sure that those you feed it to DON'T KNOW. It's a SECRET. Even if it's just you eating it. Forget what you've done, come back in an hour. FEEL THE JOY OF A SURPRISE.

Anyways, bake for about an hour or until a toothpick/fork/sword comes out batter-free. Allow to cool in the pan for 10 minutes before removing. Cool completely on a rack. Enjoy.

I had mine for lunch in this fashion:

Layer of peanut maple sauce (tablespoon or so of peanut flour, drizzle of maple syrup, and a tablespoon of soy milk mixed together)

Layer of coconut milk yogurt

Layer of banana bread

Repeat.

For dinner last night, I whipped up some caramelized onions, kale, and dill socca. The socca was easy. Just 1 1/4 cups garbanzo bean flour, a little salt, 1 cup water, 1 tbsp apple sauce, salt, pepper and dried dill. I wish I'd had fresh dill, but we can't have everything that we want. I'll be taking the socca to work for dinner tonight.

Enter the give-away. May-Tank wants you to.

Seek Sandworms and Spice in the Mojave.

This is what I had for lunch one day this week:

A strawberry/blueberry/almond/chocolate chip smoothie. It was yum. Pretty simple. Threw my frozen Michigan berries, a little soymilk, some homemade cinnamon almond butter and chocolate chips into the food processor and WHAM. Lunch.

I'm reporting from the burbs of Detroit. I have one golden retriever lined up with the outside of my right leg, and another lying nearby on the floor.

I would like to use this post as a DOUBLE REMINDER TO EVERYONE.

REMINDER 1: ENTER OUR GOD DAMN GIVE-AWAY. It's so easy. Stop being lazy. You've probably never won anything in your life. Not even tick-tack-toe. Try now.

REMINDER 2: Tomorrow is Pi Day. Celebrate the number. Eat pie.

And read some of my other stuff. http://www.alpinist.com/doc/web11w/newswire-jordan-garlick-george

Gain the power of self respect.

"If I give you a hint and tell you it's a hint, it will be information." --Diana Wynne Jones, Howl's Moving Castle

This is from my favorite book. It's about a plain girl that gets turned into a little old lady by a witch and experiences exciting things for the first time in her life.

When you're a little kid, everybody tells you that yes, you can be a vet/astronaut/comic illustrator/massage therapist. They tell you that you draw really nice pictures, even when you color the all over the fucking page with the brown marker. They don't tell you that by the time you're 24, you'll be lucky if you're doing something you've always wanted to do and feel awesome about it. They don't tell you that you'll probably be on EBT cards working at Petsmart, and that no, you can't live in Traverse City because you'll have no way of paying for your lake house on Old Mission. What the fuck.

I want to eat pancakes for a living, and then use the newly found fat-buoyancy to float across Lake Superior to Canada.

Basically, what I, Pancake, am trying to tell you here is that I haven't had the time/motivation to cook because my lease runs out at the end of April and I have nowhere to go after that. Such moments in life are stressful and frustrating. Particularly when you'd really like the next thing you do to pay you legitimately and to be awesome. Being a pseudo-hobo eventually loses its charm. Charm=lost.

I think I'm going to utilize this Bene Gesserit training manual. I'll use the gom jabbar to get whatever I want out of life.

Never eat microwave popcorn again.

Hey friends - xtina here. You can tell because I use copious amounts of dashes when I write - like this.

Have you entered our giveaway yet?? It's YOUR chance to win what is seriously the best coffee/tea mug ever. No joke - the new game in my office is "steal xtina's mug while she's away from her desk." It's also our chance to feel like our blog doesn't suck for once. We might not have eight million followers on twitter or own fancy DSLR cameras, but we can do a give-away!

Anyway, go here and leave us some pancake love.


Why do I look so happy in the picture above? I'm popping popcorn! It's so fun - and healthy, and cheap, and quick - to pop your own, that I'm here today to tell you: Never eat microwave popcorn again.

First, the recipe. Then I'll break it down for you, infomercial-style.

1/2 cup popcorn
3 tablespoons coconut oil
1/2 teaspoon sea salt

Place the popcorn, coconut oil and sea salt in a big pot with a tight-fitting lid. Hint: our 2 qt pot was not big enough. Heat on high until the corn starts popping, and shake often until popping stops. Dump in a bowl...


and nosh away! This recipe makes 11 cups of popped corn.


So, why is this popcorn recipe better than the microwaved stuff?

1. It's healthier. Have you ever looked at the ingredients list for microwaved popcorn? Artificial flavors, trans-fats and awful-tasting vegetable oil are usually included. Yuck. This recipe boasts healthy helpings of whole grains - and coconut oil isn't the bad guy it used to be. In fact, coconut oil is not only fabulous to use in the kitchen, but also as a hair conditioner, lotion, moisturizer, and other things we can't mention on a blog our families read!

2. It's just as fast. Start to finish, this recipe clocked out at 2 minutes, 30 seconds - five seconds under my parents' microwave's popcorn button.

3. It's cheaper. I used the finest ingredients money can buy for this one. US-grown popcorn distributed by a Michigan company, and pure coconut oil - both certified organic. Sounds pricey. But its not. I did the math - and it comes out to $0.60 cents per serving! That's incredible.

4. It's fun. Trust me. You will start giggling like a small child as soon as the kernels start to pop.

You really have no excuse - never eat microwave popcorn ever again.

I'm angry. So I'm blogging it out.

Okay, last part of the sweet potato was finally used. This time, it was savory and it was dinner. And dinners to come. Lots of leftovers. I probably won't be able to eat it all before it goes bad.

Also, had a couple of things published in my other life today. Check 'em out!

http://www.alpinist.com/doc/web11w/newswire-memento-mori

https://www.verticalgirlclothing.com/?p=733

Anyways, the recipe. AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT THAT GIVE-AWAY! This mug wants to go home with you.

Vegan Sweet Potato Mac & "Cheese"

INGREEDZ:

1 cup cashews

1 1/2 cups water

1 tsp tumeric

1/2 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 cup nutritional yeast

2 tsp yellow mustard

1/2-3/4 cup mashed sweet potato (feel free to mess with that amount!)

DO THIS:

In a food processor, grind up the cashews. Add in the water and whir that shit together. Add remaining ingredients, and process some more still. At this point, I added a bit more water to make the consistency slightly thinner than it was. Something less than Velveeta-like, you know? But still substantial. In the meantime, I was cooking up 15 or 16oz of pasta according to package instructions. Drained it, and mixed. What else are you seeing in that picture? Well, I wanted a bit more than simple mac and "cheese," so I also made some caramelized onions and sauteed spinach and threw them in. Delicious!

NATIONAL PANCAKE DAY...And Give-Away.

Holy Hell, folks, it's National Pancake Day! My favorite food on earth has a day. I mean, I'd be disappointed if it didn't.

I have TWO recipes for you today. Yes, two. Yesterdays breakfast, and today's. And yes, yes, there is a give-away in this post as well.

Yesterday morning I got in on this raging fad of "breakfast bakes." I made one with sweet potato and oats. The results were quite excellent, and I imagine I will be doing it again someday. I enjoyed the finished product with some maple syrup and peanut butter (after the peanut butter sweet potato fries, I was rolling with a theme).

Sweet Potato Oatmeal Breakfast Bake

INGREEDZ:

1/4 cup sweet potato

1/3 cup oats

2 tbsp oat flour

1 tbsp flaxmeal

1/2 tsp baking powder

pinch salt

2 tbsp maple syrup

2 tbsp milk substitute

DO THIS:

Preheat your oven to 350. In a personal-sized, heat-safe bowl (Spray it with non-stick something. This is a step I failed to take, but would encourage others to do), mix the dry ingredients. Add in the wet ingredients, and mix until incorporated. Bake for 20-25 minutes, or until you can fork it and it comes out clean. Eat with favorite toppings.

ANYWAYS ON TO MORE IMPORTANT THINGS. LIKE PANCAKES.

This morning, I continued to use my leftover sweet potato (no peanut butter this time).

Sweet Potato Pancakes for One

INGREEDZ:

1/2 cup all-purpose flour

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp cinnamon

1/8 tsp ginger

dash of salt

~1/4 cup sweet potato (maybe a bit less)

1/3 cup fake milk

1 tbsp coconut oil, melted

1 tbsp maple syrup

Extra coconut oil for frying

Some hazelnuts (optional)

DO THIS:

Heat cast iron skillet over low-medium heat. In a bowl, mix the dry ingredients. Create a well in the center, and put in the wet ingredients. Mix until just incorporated (clumps are A-OKAY). Melt some coconut oil in the pan to fry the cakes. Drop 1/4 cup of batter in per pancake, and cook until each side is golden brown. Makes about 3 1/2 cakes.

When I was making the 1/2 cake, I toasted some chopped hazelnuts in the pan for a nice topping (along with the traditional maple syrup, of course). They were delightfus. I love National Pancake Day. It's almost like my birthday.

Ready for that give-away?

In honor of National Pancake Day, I will be giving away the best tea mug one could ever own. I own one. X-tina owns one. Everyone on staff at Planet Rock owns one. Now it can be yours.

Perfect for hot drinks, soup, oatmeal, and just about anything that needs bowl-like containment. If you're curious about the logo, the gym I work for manufactures their own climbing holds through this company (The Detroit Rock Climbing Company--DRCC). Since we don't get many readers, I'm going to keep this give-away opened until at least 10 people have participated. This give-away is not open to family members or Planet Rock co-workers (both current and past). Sorry guys. How to enter? Simply leave a comment on this post. Tell me what your favorite flavor pancake is. If you don't like pancakes, fuck you.

Have a nice Pancake Day, everyone. I'm off to Detroit later for a bit of fun.

Look up Live Avatar Role Playing on Youtube. Change your life.

Dinner today waz gud.

The mancandy is out of town this week. What's a girl to do?

Well.

Lot's of things.

Have simple breakfast. Go to Meijer. Find out they DO sell coconut oil, and for half as much as everywhere else. Realize how much money you could have saved. Throw mini fit in baking aisle. Climb. Make delicious lunch. Transcribe interview. Go to library, rent movies. Russa. MAKE FANTASTIC DINNER. Because I fucking DESERVE that. Eat a store-bought cupcake.

Let's talk about that dinner.

Milling about on Twitter, imagining witty things to tell our readers, I found windattack's tweet about peanut butter sweet potato fries.

REWIND.

Peanut butter sweet potato fries.

Yes. I, too, was intrigued. I investigated. I made them. Here's the link to the recipe. I used my Jiff Natural and it turned out perfect. Upon first bite, your mind doesn't know what to think. The strength of the two flavors, and their not obvious pairing, makes you stop and wonder: Do I like this? What is HAPPENING to me?

Second bite--SOLD. It's amazing. I wanted to eat the whole tray. My brother, a picky eater, also tried them. The reactions were identical. MAKE THEM.

I spent 20 minutes wondering what would go good with these. Traditional burgers or sandwiches or ANYTHING really didn't fit. So I imagined what I usually use peanut butter for in savory circumstances (that being peanut sauces in stir fries). Enter the bbq tofu.

RECIPE FOR HOISIN BBQ TOFU (for one)

INGREEDZ:

1 slice of tofu, cut corner to corner

2 tbsp olive oil

2 tbsp hoisin sauce

1 tsp hot sauce of your choice

DO THIS:

Mix the oil and sauces in a small bowl. Put it the tofu (if you aren't in a hurry, press it beforehand). Allow to sit while preparing the fries. Soak. Let it soak (taking care to flip them over halfway through this) for about 20-25 minutes. Warm up some olive oil over medium-low heat in a cast iron skillet. Cook tofu on each side until browned. Serve with fries, and delight!

Stay tuned this week, my pets. I plan on announcing a give-away.

TUESDAY IS NATIONAL PANCAKE DAY HOLY SHIT